I don’t know about you, but sometimes when I’m caught up in the day-to-day, I can feel rushed and like I need to respond to things like emails, invitations, and text messages immediately. It’s like they are part of a mental “to-do” list and the quicker I can check them off, then there will be one less item to do. It’s taken me a while to learn that speed doesn’t equal productivity, and saying yes quickly doesn’t mean I’m being helpful – it often just means I’m being reactive.
Now, to be fair, I was guilty of this a lot in previous years. But, for the past few years, I have created a system that helps me not rush through in order to quickly respond. It’s this that I want to share with you. It’s less of a system and more of a question list.
Before I respond, I now look at my decisions through the lens of these three questions. I use these questions to help me make decisions and to slow down.
Question 1: Does this align with the life I want to live?
I used to be so quick to say yes to things, especially events. Then the event would roll around and I would regret my decision of saying yes. Since that time, this question has become my north star. It’s so easy to say yes to things that seem good on the surface – a networking event, a volunteer opportunity, a coffee date with an acquaintance. But just because something is good doesn’t mean it’s good for you, or good for the life you’re trying to build.
I’ve learned that alignment isn’t just about big career moves or life-changing decisions. It shows up in the small moments too. When someone asks me to join a committee, I pause and ask myself if this actually moves me toward the person I’m becoming, or if it’s just another obligation that will drain my calendar and more importantly, my spirit. A few years ago, I would have immediately said yes to joining a new board or running a fundraiser gala, only to feel resentful weeks later when it consumed my evenings. When I’m invited to an event, I consider whether it connects to my values and goals, or if I’m saying yes out of guilt or FOMO.
What’s been transformative about this question is that it’s helped me get clear on what my ideal life actually looks like. It’s forced me to define my priorities, not just assume I know them. And once you have that clarity, decisions become so much easier. You’re not weighing every option in a vacuum – you’re measuring it against a vision you’ve intentionally created.
Question 2: Is this person/thing raising my energy, or lowering it?
We talk a lot about setting boundaries, but I think we don’t talk enough about energy management. Your energy is one of your most precious resources, and yet we often give it away without a second thought.
I started paying attention to how I felt after certain interactions or commitments. Some people, even if I love them, leave me feeling depleted. Some projects, even if they look impressive on paper, make me feel heavy and resentful. And on the flip side, there are people who energize me, who make me feel more like myself. There are activities that fill my cup rather than drain it.
This question isn’t about being selfish or only doing things that feel easy. Sometimes the most energy-giving choices are challenging ones – a difficult conversation that strengthens a relationship, a creative project that stretches you but lights you up. The key is recognizing the difference between a challenge that’s aligned with your growth and an obligation that’s simply exhausting. And your energy doesn’t lie. It’s often the first signal that something is off, even before your mind catches up. So when we ignore this important element, we often find ourselves unhappy.
I’ve also learned that it’s okay for my answer to this question to change over time. A friendship that once energized me might now feel draining because we’ve grown in different directions. A job that used to excite me might now feel like it’s pulling my energy down. Acknowledging that shift without guilt has been incredibly freeing.
Question 3: Are the choices I am making solely for myself, or for others?
This is perhaps the most uncomfortable question on my list, because the honest answer can be hard to face. So much of what we do is performative, even when we don’t realize it. We say yes to things because we want to be seen as helpful, successful, or likable. We make choices based on what we think we “should” do rather than what we actually want to do.
I’m not suggesting that we should never do things for others – generosity, service, and showing up for the people we love are all important. But there’s a difference between choosing to do something for someone from a place of genuine care and doing it because you’re afraid of disappointing them or worried about what they’ll think.
When I started asking myself this question regularly, I realized how many of my decisions were being driven by external expectations. I was curating my life for an invisible audience, trying to live up to standards I hadn’t even set for myself. It was exhausting. And the irony? The people I was trying to please often had no idea I was even doing it.
Now, when I’m considering a decision, I ask myself: Am I doing this because I want to, or because I think I should? Am I trying to impress someone? Am I afraid of what will happen if I say no? The answers don’t always mean I change my decision, but they do mean I’m making it with full awareness and ownership.
Putting It All Together
These three questions have created a framework that’s changed the way I move through my days. They’ve helped me slow down when everything in our culture tells us to speed up. They’ve given me permission to be intentional rather than reactive.
The beautiful thing is that these questions work together. When you’re making choices that align with the life you want, that raise your energy, and that come from an authentic place rather than obligation, you create momentum in the right direction. You build a life that feels like yours, not one that you’re just managing or getting through.
I’m not perfect at this. There are still days when I say yes too quickly or realize later that I’ve overcommitted. But now I have a way to course-correct. I have a set of questions that bring me back to myself.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, rushed, or like your life is happening to you rather than being shaped by you, I encourage you to try these questions. Write them down. Put them somewhere you’ll see them. And the next time you’re faced with a decision, big or small, pause and ask yourself: Does this align with the life I want to live? Is this raising or lowering my energy? Am I doing this for myself, or for others?
Your answers might surprise you. And that’s the first step in starting to live a life, recalibrated.
Ready to dive deeper into your recalibration journey? Discover more transformative insights on my Medium page and YouTube channel. For ongoing inspiration, catch the latest Disrupting Default podcast episodes on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.
