A few years ago, I read Michelle Obama’s book Becoming. It was a powerful and inspirational story. In it, Obama speaks about how she grew up, when she met her husband, and the journey that eventually led to moving into the White House. She also talked about the soul work she does as an advocate for women and girls. It was her journey from childhood to adulthood, and defying expectations at every turn.
After I finished reading, it struck me – what if “becoming” isn’t the destination we are trying to achieve – an elusive marker that keeps moving? What if the goal is to unbecome everything we’re told we “should be,” in order to become who we inherently are? If we are whole and capable, which I strongly believe we are, then we are born with everything we need in order to become who we truly are.
The problem is, along our path, we pick up baggage – the heavy expectations of others, the strong cultural implications of what it means to choose one path over another, the never-ending societal judgements and social media videos reminding us we aren’t enough, showing us a constantly moving yardstick of happiness.
Underneath all of that baggage is who we really are.
Think about it. Have you ever felt like you were wearing a life that doesn’t quite fit? Like you’re playing a role in someone else’s story rather than living your own?
If so, you’re not alone. I’ve done it too. In fact, many of us are walking around in identities we inherited rather than chose – becoming what we were taught to be instead of who we inherently are.
The Weight of Becoming
From our earliest moments, society hands us a script. Be successful. Be responsible. Be normal. Each “be” adds another layer to our inherited identity:
– Be a good girl (translation: be quiet, be agreeable, be pretty)
– Be a strong man (translation: be tough, be stoic, be the provider)
– Be professional (translation: conform, compete, climb the ladder)
– Be practical (translation: abandon dreams, choose security, play it safe)
We spend years becoming what others expect – picking up that baggage and collecting layers of “shoulds” and “musts” like shells we’ve outgrown but can’t seem to shed.
The Call to Unbecome
Today, I invite you to unbecome!
True transformation requires us to peel back these layers of conditioning to discover who we were before the world told us who to be.
Unbecoming is the courageous act of questioning every “should” we’ve inherited:
– Who told me this was the right way to live?
– What beliefs am I carrying that aren’t actually mine?
– What parts of my identity are authentic, and what parts are performance?
The Layers We Must Shed
Professional Identity
Many of us have built careers based on others’ definitions of success. We’ve climbed ladders we didn’t choose, pursued titles that looked good on paper but felt hollow in practice. Unbecoming means questioning whether your professional path aligns with your authentic desires, not just your conditioned ambitions.
Relationship Patterns
We inherit beliefs about love, partnership, and family dynamics. Maybe you’re playing out your parents’ relationship script or following cultural expectations about marriage and family timing. Unbecoming means examining these patterns and choosing connections that reflect your true values.
Gender Roles
Society’s expectations about gender run deep. They influence everything from career choices to emotional expression. Unbecoming means releasing these artificial constraints to embrace your full range of human qualities, regardless of gender.
Cultural Conditioning
Our cultural inheritance shapes our worldview, values, and behaviors. While culture can provide beautiful connection and meaning, it can also limit our authentic expression. Unbecoming means consciously choosing which cultural elements to keep and which to release.
The Process of Unbecoming
For a full exercise on how to begin shedding layers (and years) of conditioning, check out this week’s video. Below is a brief rundown:
Part 1: Choose one area to explore. This can be your career path, relationships, family dynamics, lifestyle choices, or personal goals. Pick the one that makes you feel slightly (or more than slightly) uncomfortable.
Part 2: Write down all the “shoulds” in your chosen area. What rules are you following? Who taught you these rules? When did you even learn these rules in the first place?
Part 3: Start questioning! If gender didn’t exist, would I still want the path I’m on right now? If society wasn’t watching, what would I choose? What feels exciting but “forbidden?”
Part 4: Make two columns. In the first, write, “Societal Script” and list everything you’re currently doing because you “should.” In the second column, write “Authentic Desires” and list what genuinely calls to you.
Finally, choose one small way to challenge a “should” from part 2. Write down the specific action you will take, when you’ll do it, and how you’ll support yourself through it.
The Courage to Unbecome
Unbecoming requires tremendous courage. It means:
– Disappointing others to be true to yourself
– Facing uncertainty instead of clinging to familiar patterns
– Standing in your truth when others question your choices
– Trusting your inner wisdom over external validation
The reward for this courage? A life that fits. When you unbecome what you were taught to be, you create space to become who you were meant to be. This doesn’t mean rejecting everything you’ve learned or becoming completely different. Instead, it means consciously choosing which elements of your identity to keep and which to release. It gives you the freedom of authenticity
The Path Forward
As you begin this journey of unbecoming, be gentle with yourself. These patterns took years to build and won’t dissolve overnight. Each small act of questioning, each moment of choosing differently, is a step toward authentic living.
Your true self isn’t something you need to create – it’s already there, waiting beneath the layers of conditioning. Your task isn’t to become something new, but to unbecome everything that isn’t really you.
What are you ready to unbecome today?
