Think back to your childhood. Remember the subtle (and not-so-subtle) messages about who you should be, how you should act, and what success looks like? These messages weren’t random – they were part of an intricate societal programming that’s been running in the background of your life – it’s been running your life on autopilot.
The Hidden Programming
From the moment we’re born, society hands us a script. Girls get pink blankets and are praised for being pretty and nice. Boys get blue and are told to be strong and never cry. These seemingly innocent beginnings lay the foundation for a lifetime of unconscious conditioning.
This programming goes far deeper than color preferences. It shapes:
Career choices – Historically, there have been professions that were more “geared” towards men (think: scientist or firefighter), with others more connected to women (think: teacher or nurse). Luckily, this is changing (albeit too slow for my liking). The issue is that many of our parents were raised with this same programming and unknowingly (or knowingly) passed it onto us. Plus, the media from 30 years ago looked far different than it does today.
Relationship dynamics – When I was growing up, it was not common for dad to stay home with the kids. That was 100% in the realm of what mom was supposed to do. If you’re a girl, the message you most likely saw was that dad goes to work and makes money while mom stays home. If you’re a boy, the message you most likely saw was that dad was responsible for earning money and taking care of his family. Now think about how these messages shaped you as you grew up?
Family planning – This is a loaded one. Women are supposed to dream of their wedding as little girls; wait for their Prince Charming to come and whisk them away. (I am thrilled to report I was not that little girl – I never thought I would get married in the first place.) As we grow up, we are then sent messages from media, our family, our friends that we should be getting married soon (in our 20s). Meanwhile, for men, the focus is on making money and having a stable job so they can one day provide for their family. First, there is the underlying message from society that we must have a family. Second, there is the implication that women must get married young. (What’s not said is that it’s because their “biological clock is ticking.”). Third, there is the assumption that men will be the primary breadwinners and therefore must focus on financial stability.
A few other areas this hidden programming shapes include leadership styles, self-expression, definition of success, and life milestones.
The Autopilot Effect
Most of us are living life on autopilot, following a predetermined path. What I call life’s “order of operations:”
- We’re born
- We go to school
- We land a stable job
- We get married
- We buy a house
- We have children
- We work until retirement
- I won’t spell out what happens next…
Sound familiar? I grew up believing this. In fact, it stayed with me into adulthood because all of the messages I saw were built on this order.
The truth is, this order of life’s operations isn’t necessarily bad – unless it’s not what you truly want. The problem is, we rarely question if these steps align with our authentic desires.
Gender Conditioning: The Double Bind
Gender conditioning creates particularly challenging dynamics. Women in leadership face the impossible task of being “assertive but not aggressive,” while men struggle with showing vulnerability without appearing “weak.” These artificial constraints limit our potential and authentic expression.
Consider these common scenarios:
- A woman feeling pressured to choose between career and family
- A man hiding his passion for art to pursue a “practical” career
- A parent following traditional discipline methods despite disagreeing with them
- Someone staying in an unfulfilling relationship because “that’s what you do”
- Anyone working in a job that feels soul-crushing when they want to pursue being an entrepreneur
Breaking Free: The Journey to Authenticity
Liberation begins with awareness. Here’s how to start questioning your conditioning:
- Notice Your “Shoulds” – Pay attention when you use the word “should.” It often indicates an external expectation rather than an internal desire.
- Question Your Choices – For every major decision, ask:
- Is this what I want, or what I was taught to want?
- Who benefits from this choice?
- What would I choose if no one was watching?
- Challenge Gender Roles – Examine how gender expectations influence your:
- Career choices
- Relationship dynamics
- Self-expression
- Life goals
- Explore Alternatives – There’s rarely only one path to happiness or success. Allow yourself to imagine different possibilities.
The Cost of Staying on Autopilot
Remaining unconscious of our conditioning comes at a price:
- Disconnection from authentic desires
- Chronic stress and anxiety
- Unfulfilling relationships
- Career dissatisfaction
- Lost opportunities for joy and growth
The Freedom of Conscious Choice
When we become aware of our conditioning, we gain the power to choose consciously. This doesn’t mean rejecting all societal norms – it means examining them and deciding which ones serve our authentic selves.
True freedom isn’t about rebellion; it’s about choice. Sometimes you might choose the traditional path, but you’ll do so consciously, not because it’s expected.
Taking Action
Start small:
- Identify one area where you feel constrained by expectations
- Question the origin of these expectations
- Imagine alternative possibilities
- Take one small step toward authentic choice
Remember, this isn’t about dramatic life changes. It’s about bringing consciousness to your choices and gradually aligning your life with your true desires.
The Path Forward
Breaking free from societal and gender conditioning requires courage, self-compassion, and often support from others who understand the process.
As you begin to question your conditioning, be gentle with yourself. These patterns took years to establish and won’t change overnight. The goal isn’t to completely reject all societal influences but to consciously choose which ones align with your authentic self.
Start today by asking yourself that powerful question: “Is this what I truly want, or what I was taught to want?”
Your authentic life is waiting on the other side of that answer.
