I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.
Sound familiar?
We usually say these three short sentences when we’re anything but fine. We pretend everything is good and we are unaffected when in fact everything isn’t fine and we are indeed affected.
Sometimes we don’t know we are affected. In these times, we continue on with our day but may have a nagging feeling in the back of our mind or an uneasy feeling in our stomach. I know this was true for me for many years. For a long while it felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Externally, everything looked fine. The job. The house. The marriage. The family. Internally, I never felt settled, but I couldn’t quite place why that was.
What Your Brain Is Really Telling You
Here’s what I’ve learned: that unsettled feeling isn’t just in your head – well, actually it is, but in a very real, neurological way. When we experience that nagging sensation or stomach unease while insisting we’re fine, our body is picking up on something our conscious mind hasn’t fully processed yet.
Neuroscientists call this interoception: our brain’s ability to sense internal bodily signals. Your nervous system is constantly scanning for safety and threat, a process called neuroception. This happens beneath conscious awareness, which is why you can feel off without knowing exactly why. That pit in your stomach or tension in your chest? It’s your body trying to get your attention.
The disconnect between what we say (“I’m fine”) and what we feel (decidedly not fine) creates what researchers call cognitive dissonance. Our brain doesn’t like this mismatch. It requires significant mental energy to maintain the facade, which is partly why pretending to be fine is so exhausting.
The Cost of “Fine”
When we chronically ignore these internal signals, we’re essentially teaching our nervous system that its messages don’t matter. Over time, this can lead to a phenomenon called alexithymia – difficulty identifying and describing emotions. We become strangers to our own inner experience.
The stress of maintaining the “everything’s fine” narrative also keeps our body in a state of low-level activation. Our sympathetic nervous system remains slightly elevated, never fully relaxing into the parasympathetic “rest and digest” state. This chronic activation can manifest as sleep problems, digestive issues, headaches, or that persistent feeling of waiting for something bad to happen.
For me, it took years to recognize that my body was trying to tell me something important. I had learned early on that being “fine” was safer than being honest about struggle. But that safety came at a price.
Breaking the “Fine” Cycle
So how do we bridge the gap between external appearance and internal reality? Here are some tangible practices that helped me, grounded in what we know about how the brain works:
1. Practice the Body Scan
Twice a day, take just two minutes to check in with your body. Start at your head and move down to your toes. Notice any tension, tightness, or discomfort without trying to change it. This strengthens the connection between your conscious awareness and your body’s signals. You’re literally building neural pathways that improve interoception. Think of this as turning your attention inward. The more attuned you are, the easier it becomes to know when something feels “off.”
2. Name It to Tame It
When you notice that uneasy feeling, try to put words to it. “I feel anxious.” “I feel unsettled.” “I feel overwhelmed.” Research shows that the simple act of labeling emotions reduces activity in the amygdala (your brain’s alarm system) and increases activity in the prefrontal cortex (your brain’s reasoning center). You don’t need to fix the feeling – just acknowledge it.
3. Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary
Move beyond “fine,” “good,” “bad,” and “stressed.” Are you actually disappointed? Frustrated? Resentful? Worried? Lonely? The more precisely you can identify what you’re feeling, the better your brain becomes at processing emotions rather than suppressing them. Keep a list of feeling words on your phone and reference it when checking in with yourself.
4. Create a “Not Fine” Plan
Decide in advance what you’ll do when you notice you’re not fine. Will you call a friend? Journal? Take a walk? Go to therapy? Having a plan removes the additional decision-making burden when you’re already struggling. This engages your prefrontal cortex to support your emotional brain rather than override it.
5. Practice Saying “I’m Not Sure How I’m Doing”
You don’t have to have it all figured out to be honest. When someone asks how you are, try responding with “I’m processing some things” or “I’m working through something” instead of automatically saying “fine.” This honesty often invites deeper connection and lets your nervous system know it’s safe to acknowledge reality. Plus, it’s a form of acknowledging what you’re going through and also a way to show others that it’s okay to be real.
The Permission to Not Be Fine
Here’s what I wish someone had told me years ago: You don’t have to wait until everything falls apart to admit things aren’t fine. That nagging feeling is information, not weakness. That unease in your stomach is your wise body trying to protect you, not betray you.
The goal isn’t to achieve a permanent state of “fine.” Life is inherently uncertain, and our nervous systems are designed to respond to that uncertainty. The goal is to create enough internal safety that you can acknowledge what’s true without it feeling like a catastrophe.
When I finally stopped insisting I was fine and started listening to what my body was trying to tell me, things didn’t immediately get easier. But they got more honest. And in that honesty, I found the space to actually address what needed addressing rather than just managing the mounting tension of pretending.
So, the next time you catch yourself saying “I’m fine” while your body screams otherwise, pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself: What is actually true right now? Your brain and body will thank you for listening.
Because you don’t have to be fine. You just have to be honest.
Ready to dive deeper into your recalibration journey? Discover more transformative insights on my Medium page and YouTube channel. For ongoing inspiration, catch the latest Disrupting Default podcast episodes on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.
